Nice and quiet outside. Enjoying a cigarette; sitting in my tree for a while, then walking slowly on top of the little wall that surrounds my yard.

I used to think that maybe someday I would have someone to walk on it with me, maybe hold my hand and walk behind me, enjoying these quiet moments with me. I realize that, somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about that.

I reach the end of the wall, back at the doorstep opposite from that tree. Still quiet.

I stand, and finish my cigarette. I realize how long a cigarette lasts, out here in the stillness; realize that I inhale deeper than I used to. I smoke more packs than I used to too.

I spit some saliva on the ground. I hate spitting, but maybe I won't get cancer if I spit it out. I don't care about any of that anymore either.

I try to resist the urge to put the rest of it out, to hurry away from this mirror of serenity, go inside and fill the air with some distracting sound; a late night infomercial, maybe the muffled noise of a DJ on the crappy little alarm radio.

The tap, tap, tapping of my keyboard.

These calm moments, they are good for me, I know. There is value in the still air, the semi dark emptiness, my own thoughts bouncing off the lonely walls and landscape. Its these times that have gotten me through, weather on a Greyhound bus in the middle of the night, the side of the road at dawn, or in some one's living room or a strange girl's bed, sleepless. But, for some reason, I usually don't endure them long.

I have to piss.

I still manage to unhurriedly finish my cigarette, smothering the ash in the dull bricks and walking slowly to the trash can across the lot, and back into the house.

Its quiet inside, also, but as I step through the threshold its a different kind of stillness. Perhaps its the same, only tainted by my own preoccupation with distraction.

A stop at the bathroom. I Walk to my room, take a sip of my soft drink, sit at my computer. The movie is still playing.

Soda is so bad for me. That used to bother me. Now I just know it, I guess.

Tap. Tap.