The Case Against Monkeys


It's time that people realized that these "cute" furry little humanoids are nothing but trouble. I hear so many women going around wishing they could cuddle one, or indie kids saying it would be cool to have one to teach tricks. These people are fools!

A monkey would be the most unlucky pet. Only get a monkey if you can't get yourself into enough trouble without being dragged down by slow, distracted, rat bastard primates.

Evidence:

• Indiana Jones: Indy gets ratted out by a monkey (for a FIG!), and it almost results in our hero getting shot to death. If it wasn't for that Islamic Pimp shielding him with all those children he would have been done for.

• Aladdin: That little shit Apu is complete baggage. Half the trouble Aladdin gets into is because Apu stopped to look at something or touch it, or he's too slow to keep up. They never would have gotten trapped in the Cave of Wonders if the monkey hadn't touched the lamp.

• Curious George: the only thing more disturbing than monkeys that can't keep their hands off things is the homo-erotic men in yellow suits that smile at them the whole time. Curious. I'll bet.

• The Monkees: In this NBC Sitcom from the 60's, a group of ugly and badly dressed musicians are always getting into trouble and pissing everyone off. The group was aptly named.

• Monkeys throw poo. No other pet throws poo.

• Monkey Trouble (1994): Enough said.
  

More on this as it develops.